Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
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she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
Room with a view.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
she has a point
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!