Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT