Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
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Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Not to brag but this cashier is checking me out.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO