Go girl power!
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Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.