I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
They got Raph!
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
How do you milk an almond?
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now