People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
The Joker was right
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Word!
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.