Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.