Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
i could never be president. im overqualified.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Banana is the quietest snack
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.