Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
The three genders
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”