We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
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The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.