[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
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*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.