Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
You Might Also Like
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
When I pack too much for a short trip.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”