[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
No way!
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady