I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
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Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves