If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
You saw nothing. I am ham.
That’s not how days work.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Things will get butter, keep churning
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.