The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
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If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades