wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
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DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*