ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
But that’s none of my business
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god