Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
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I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.