Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
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Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
same vibe as tangled headphones
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.