“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
You Might Also Like
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Why am I like this?
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.