[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.