sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
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The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning