I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
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wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️