‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.