Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old