I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
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I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos