Did my cat write this
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“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
i think my razor is having a panic attack