mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
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[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
why I oughta
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?