Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
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Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.