Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
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I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Inside you there are two wolves
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.