Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
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A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
OMG 🤣🤣
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
good work, everybody
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.