Smallpox sounds so adorable
You Might Also Like
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
it is time once again
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you