*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
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My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Breaking news:
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”