mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
How animals would run if they were human
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all