I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
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“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.