Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea