those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Good Morning.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent