Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
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I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.