Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
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Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
hackers play passwordle
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice