*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
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When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.