INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
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Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Chicago sounds lovely.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
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5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”