I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
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When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
How actors in movies eat their food
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted