My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Succinctly put.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.