If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
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Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.