The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
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Pickled cat.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My loaf of bread looks terrified
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA