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Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris