Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
#Caturday
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.