[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
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FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater