People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
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Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.